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Recently, as in sometime last month, I made a connection, through social media (twitter) with a guy who we’ll call J. At first it started out as friends and jokes and whatnot. He would hit on me, and he would come on so strong and he’s such a big flirt, and he would do it with other girls that he’s friends with to. Then something changed. Like time went on and he 1) stopped coming on as strong and 2) when I realized that, I went more in his direction. We were talking in DM and he started flirting, but not strongly and I flirted back. I just felt like why not. I do think a lot about getting into a relationship but it’s hard for me because I’ve never dated before and I can be kind of awkward but at the same time, I also realize I’m not going to meet someone if I never open up. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend yet.

Our relationship is “one day” and “possibility” LOL.

At the same time, the more we get to know one another, the more the hardships of long distance dating or whatever the hell this is, we’re doing comes to light. Like I really like this guy. He’s funny and easy to talk to and I can see myself with him. At the same time, he lives in a different state and that makes things complicated. Like, the last two days, due to the conversations we’ve been having, we’re both really having our eyes opened to the fact that we can’t really make demands on one another. He’s already told me it bothers him thinking about me talking to or being with other men. Then tonight he brought up me not wanting him to sleep with other women, tacked onto the end of a fuller comment. I was like: “I never said you couldn’t sleep with other women,” which I didn’t.

Then it hit me. Oh no, I don’t like that. I don’t like the idea of him sleeping with other women. But as he’s said repeatedly to me about how he can’t be a hypocrite over me talking to or being with other guys, I can’t be one in return about him being with other women. At the same time, I wouldn’t be a hypocrite really, because I’m not talking to, thinking about, and certainly not sleeping with other guys. At the same time, Jeremy is sexually active, he’s not my boyfriend (yet), we’ve never even met in person. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to some time next year (I really need a job).

Then I’m also trying to stop myself from falling hard over a guy I’ve never met and a relationship that could never be. It’s hard for me because I love hard. Some people wouldn’t know that from the outside but I really do. I’m not a casual relationship, casual sex, sometime-y person. I’m a serious, long term, hopefully this’ll lead to something permanent (marriage) kind of person. Made even harder by the fact that I’m 20 years old, soon to be 21 and at this age, most people aren’t looking for that, at least it feels like they aren’t.

I want to see him, I want to touch him, I want to hug him, I want to kiss him, I want to hang with him. This is all so much!