Chi-Raq

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One word: Poignant.

There are a lot of other words to describe it but that’s the #1. Oh my God where do I start?

Spike Lee is brilliant.

Nick Cannon, Teyonah Parris, Angela Bassett, John Cusack, and Jennifer Hudson = Bra-fucking-O!

The movie was amazing and nothing, I’m sure like the negative nancies were saying it was going to be like simply because they didn’t like the name of the movie or because of their jealousy of Spike not feeling the need to ask their “permission” or input on the movie! ๐Ÿ˜’

The visuals were gorgeous!

Spike touched on so many issues:

  • Gang violence and its repercussion
  • The persistence of those being able say that they have one or multiple dead male family members to the gang life (I’m one!)
  • The disregard of gang codes to the present acceptance for children to be sacrificed purposefully in revenge or accidentally by stray bullets
  • The cycle of dysfunction with little boys following in their father’s footsteps and/or becoming fair game to other gang members to recruit and introduce to the gang life or thug life, filling their heads with false ideas of what it means to be a man because they themselves don’t know what it really means
  • The heart ache of mothers having to contend with dealing with the heaviness of their child no longer being alive. Women having to contend with their husbands or boyfriends living that life, wondering if one day they’re going to get a call saying that the man is dead or in the hospital
  • Gang life gives you nothing but it takes everything
  • The overkill of police force in regards to Black and Brown people
  • The fact that the same issues affecting the Black communities of the South side of Chicago are also plaguing other Black communities in other cities and that Chicago is not the only city with a not so great reputation and not so great nickname

Yes you will laugh at parts of the film (mostly the parts where, of course, the men were going to be pissy as shit about being cut off from any and all love loving lol, and they’re getting all He Man and trash talking due to their sexual frustration and of course want to show the women who’s boss lol) but they are far outnumbered by the parts where you will cry and/or be silently taking it all in, mesmerized. 

I’m Employed!

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Okay, so this is totally a late post but I am employed as of 2 weeks ago! I’m really glad because I was starting to get really angry and frustrating at the fact that no one wanted to give me a chance.

Also, I don’t know what it is but it seems like as many places have job listings saying that they’re hiring but no one actually wants to do it lol.

My job right now isn’t a big job. I’ve only got one patient (okay it’s actually two because I’ve taken over taking care of my grandmother but I don’t really like to count her because she’s family) but it’s work, it’s experience, it’s home healthcare and I’m making a little bit of money. My foot is in the door.

I’m still trying to find a job with longer hours but this will do for now.

  
Picture is of money from my first paycheck. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜

Talking to God

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Have you ever felt too awkward and/or selfish to talk to God?

I have.

I don’t know why but I always have for. I’m a naturally awkward person in the first place. How pathetic am I that I can’t even talk to God, just me and God, in private? ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

The awkwardness is then magnified because I feel so selfish asking God for stuff. There are so many people in the world suffering and struggling and here I am, not rich or perfect but leading a good life, asking God for help instead of just doing everything myself. I just feel selfish and lazy then. ๐Ÿ˜”

Like I should be strong enough to just do it.

I’m less awkward in writing, so I’m thinking about writing my prayers instead.

Boob Job?

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So I’ve been looking at my boobs for a while now. Okay I’ve been looking at them since I got them lol but I’m talking about a specific period in this case lol. A few months ago I started looking at them and I started analyzing and I’m like they’re looking a bit saggy, a bit droopy. If you’re reading this blog then you know that for the past couple years I’ve been losing weight and getting fit and healthy and I’m still in that process. At the same time, I can be like everyone else I the world: subconscious and overly critical of my body.

So at first I’m brushing it off, like stop being critical of yourself. You’re probably just seeing the negative that you want to see but as time has gone on I’ve been able to also say hold up, you’re not being critical, there’s something off with you’re breasts.

They’re sagging and I hate that. I wish I could’ve totally avoided the sagginess and whatnot, and I guess I have for the most part because my stomach, thighs, arms, and legs are coming out unscathed, but my breath were a casualty. I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m just so short and for my height, the extra weight I once carried was going to cause some damage. It had nowhere to go but out and out is affected be gravity ๐Ÿ˜’.

It’s so depressing though, to look at your body, especially your breasts and see them sagging. I’m sure, as a woman, it would be that way even if I see in my 40’s or 50’s but it’s like times a million being that I’m only 21. I’m immediately like don’t want to look at them, sad, depressed, etc. 

So I think I’m going to be looking at a breast lift in the future.

Him Again … and He’s Pissing Me Off!

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Long distance is hard as all fuck!

We decided that we’d be friends. Well, he decided we’d be friends, I just went along with it and agreed that we were “friends”. I’m just not one of those people who can pretend that something is what it’s not. The fact is that while we’re not yet at boyfriend/girlfriend or anything official, we sure as fuck are not just friends. I’m also not a person that even believes that women and men can be platonic friends.

What’s pissing me off is that he’s constantly checking to see if I’m talking to other guys. It’s so fucking annoying and insulting because when I say I’m not, he says “yeah okay” which we all know is nothing but a brush off that really means I don’t believe you. It’s crazy because he truly is my first ever experience with a guy ever. I’ve never even kissed another guy. I like him a lot and I want him to believe me. I like him, sometimes I have to stop myself from saying I love you. I want this to develop into something more.

Then I usually get mad and call him an asshole or dumb ass and then he goes on to say how I don’t show him respect. He’s big on that shit! I’m all over her like WTF?!?! Respect?!?! How the fuck can you constantly talk to me about showing you respect (this whole argument happens every few months) and you’re constantly basically calling me a liar, questioning my honesty, and brushing off what I say to you?!?!

I often wonder if maybe he does it because he’s paranoid. Men are territorial and like I said, while we may not be an official couple, nothing about us says friendship or at least solely friendship. It’s friendship but it’s also more than that, so it’s like I’m his territory (feminists don’t attack) but he’s not here with me to protect that territory. On top of it, he very much is a I’m Tarzan, you Jane kinda guy lol.

At the same it’s not as if I hound him about the same thing. I don’t constantly ask him if he’s dating someone. I don’t ask at all. I especially don’t ask if he’s fucking anyone, mostly because I don’t want to hear the answer if it’s yes but also because I trust him when he at least says he isn’t dating anyone. We decided from the get go that if either of us were talking to someone else we would tell them. Then again, now that I think about it, I swear he changed his mind and said he didn’t want to know unless it was serious. Yes! That’s what he said. Yet lo’ and behold, that’s farthest from the truth lol.

Gosh he infuriates me so! But he makes me laugh too because … I don’t know, he’s just so infuriating that it’s funny. Maybe it’s because I know he’s just mad because I’m here and he’s there. I think that’s what it all balls down to. We’re both frustrated that he’s there and I’m here.

Feel the Lean! w/ Loni Jane

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OMG, I can’t believe I never got around to doing a post on this I got Loni Jane’s eBook! (like a couple of months back now lol) file-page1 Anyone who’s read this blog, knows that a Loni Jane inspo post was one of the first posts I ever did and I love her so much, she’s such a big inspiration. She’s beautiful, gorgeous skin, super nice from what I can tell, gorgeous husband, beautiful baby, and a beautiful life filled with great food, fun, stylish clothing, and travel! All the things I want lol.

Anyway, onto the book! It is so fucking gorgeous! file-page30

Lots of amazing pictures!

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Even more amazing recipes.

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Again, for those that don’t know, I am not a vegan and I am not a vegetarian and I don’t ever plan on becoming either of the two. I am, however, someone who believes in eating healthy and always striving to eating a lot ofย fruits and veggies. I just love it because it’s a great book and another tool for me to incorporate healthy eating into my life forever.

If anyone’s interested in buying it themselves, here’s the link to the website.

Marrying for Money

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One of the things I’ll never do is marry solely for money, if I marry at all. Don’t get me wrong, if I ever get married, I’m not marrying a broke dude. In fact, I think that all women should marry a man that has something going for themselves financially. Yet, that should be a part of the package that they bring to the table, not the whole package.

A man should also: love you, be kind, caring, generous, giving, honest, etc.

It’s all about balance. When you just look for money, things get dark. Everything that glitters ain’t gold. I know and will always remember, and I wish other people would too, that when the doors to other’s homes close, we don’t know what the fuck is going on in there. It can look like a woman is living the high life and everything’s perfect but in reality, she’s being slapped around, emotionally and verbally beat down, controlled within an inch of her life and can’t escape because the man hold all the cards and God forbid if they have kids together.

Men aren’t stupid. Most of them know when a woman is using them solely for their money and when they do, they’ll make you work for every penny they give you. Oh and yes it can’t be ignored, they’re more than likely using the woman too, for her looks. The difference though is that pretty girls, beautiful girls, gorgeous girls are a dime a dozen. I don’t care how bad any woman thinks she is. Finding a man with lots of money in the other hand, who chooses you out of the hoardes of other women trying to get at him, not so much.

Then on top of it, what happens when the man gets tired of you. If you haven’t managed to get him down the alter and say ‘I Do’ you could very well be left with nothing. Many of these men aren’t George Clooney’s who’ll leave you with a million dollar house.

All-in-all money should factor in, it shouldn’t be the only factor.  

Vision Boards

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I love Vision Boards but I don’t keep an exact board. My vision board is actually a Microsoft Word document that when finished, will be turned into a PDF, that has pictures and words of everything I want to manifest and I have a Dream Book that is basically a written form of the document. I also keep pictures of things that I want on my phone and stuff. I’m constantly thinking about my future.

I love this song called Give Me The Simple Life, sang by Steve Tyrell. On some level I want that life lol but on another no. Maybe my own version of the simple life lol. Whatever, it’s complicated. What I’m trying to get at, is that I’ve always dreamed big. It’s crazy. I was in elementary school and I knew when I was older I wanted a house like Updown Court (that’s changed, thank God!) and a yacht (I decided on a Baglietto in high school I believe, or maybe it was middle. It all runs together now lol). Everyone’s entitled to their own way of life. I want to own my own businesses, I want to buy or even build my dream house, I want my yacht, my Rolls-Royce, my Bentley, my Maybach, my Birkins, my Travels, my everything.

“If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.” Mine must be giants because they scare me to no end! They’re big and always have been and I’m so scared of them lol. I love them but I’m scared. Scared to fail, even more scared to be great. I can see it all, I always have been and they’re so close, I can touch them, I can even taste them.

I may be scared but I’ll never give them up. I keep my visionย documentย and my Dream Book always because it pushes me through my fears. I take one look at it and I’m refueled, renewed.

Divorce

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Recently a divorce has greatly upset me. I mean, I held this couple in such high esteem and I just thought that their love would last forever and it didn’t. I’ve cried over it and I feel sadness overtake me and it’s not even my marriage and/or my divorce.

It just makes me re-evaluate my thought process on marriage. I used to want to get married and now I’m unsure and by unsure I mean that I don’t want to get married anymore. It’s not just them though. It’s everyone. It seems like every time I turn around someone in a long term relationship is breaking up or divorcing. On top of it, I’ve come to realize that I’m more Hun about relationships due to my own parents poor marriage (they’re still married though). I’m just too young, too scared, too hopeful, too naive, too trusting, too nice, too kind, too loving. I’m all of the things that get you broken and hurt.

I can give off the appearance of having this tough outside but I’m so soft and so sensitive and easily hurt on the inside. It’s like the lyrics from the song ‘The Circle of Life’ from ‘The Lion King’: “Some sail through life and some have to life with the scars”. I’m the one that would have to live with the scars. I’m just that type of person. It sucks to be that type of person. It’s hard for me to let go of things. I hold on to them, just like a scar. I may not break but I am scarred.

Yet a good friend reminded me that marriage takes hard work and the best way to make sure you make it, is to take divorce off the table. Anyone I marry, has to know that divorce isn’t on the table. If I ever do get married, whomever I marry will know that divorce is not an option and marriage counseling continuously is everything. Also, to never take advice from those who are unmarried and just letting unnecessary people in on your marriage.

I’m also very nervous about what if I put in all the hard work and my spouse just said fuck it and left anyway. I’d be crushed. She told that she believes in this little ole’ expression: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I don’t know if I’m that romantic a person yet though lol but I love that she does.

It’s all just so complicated, never black and white yet maybe I’ll hold onto a little hope and not become jaded before I’ve even started.

The Plan

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So I wish I could say that I had a plan but besides committing to 6 days of working out every week, I don’t have one lol. I’m just winging it this time around.

If you’re reading this blog then you’ve read the post before this one, if not get to it, where I state how much weight I need to lose to get to my UGW. At this moment though, I don’t want to acknowledge that number or set some goal weight of pounds to lose. I just know that I’m going balls to the wall for the next two months to try to get to my UGW.

So an overview is

1) 6 days of Cardio a week. I plan to do at least 30 minutes and then work my way up to 60 hopefully. I want to hit the stairmaster because I feel that that’s the much more challenging workout. Anyone who reads this blog knows that I love weights and if you don’t or I haven’t said it, I do! I haven’t thrown lifting out of my life. It’s just on hold. I’m really trying to lower my fat percentage at the moment and I feel for me, cardio is where it’s at on that front.

2) Healthy Diet. I really don’t want to start calorie counting again. I just want to eat healthy and have reasonable portion sizes.

3) 1L of water a day

That’s about it. Wish me luck! ๐Ÿ™‚