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Gosh, I’m in a bit of a frazzle over this. God I wish I weren’t sometimes though. It seems like it’s so easy for everyone else. It’s no big deal, it’s no big question. For me everything is though. I’ve come to this place where I want a relationship but, and putting aside my issues with my body, I’m deliberating over whether or not to give up my virginity before marriage.

It’s just so nuts because I’m like if I decide to wait I could quite possibly wind up never having a relationship until I’m 30+ if ever. Don’t worry, I still don’t plan to give up my virginity just to keep a guy or get a guy or anything like that but it’s just mind blowing the options left over. A lot of people these days, especially men, don’t want to wait until they’re in a serious longterm relationship, to have sex, let alone marriage. Then couple that with most people not getting married until they’re in their 30’s+ these days and well my options are limited.

I’ve got all these questions flying around my head. The biggest being what if God hates me for doing it, am I going to go to hell, and what if the guy leaves me. I can be kind of tough on the outside but I’m actually quite a sensitive person. I love hard and I’m very loyal. If I were to fall for someone and they just upped and left me, especially in what would be a very close and intimate relationship, I’d be crushed.

Then on top of it, I’m always thinking about who would want to date me anyway. I’m not an awful person lol but I don’t see myself as fun or exciting. I’m quite boring. I want someone who would bring out a more fun and free side to me but at the same time I don’t know if I would ever get that far because I’m so socially awkward. I’m really self conscious and I babble when I’m nervous and I’m always wondering if something I said was stupid after I said it. I just don’t see how anyone would be attracted to me. Other people just seem to be naturals and fit in and I, on the other hand, never have.

I’m not going to settle for just anyone but I also don’t want to date and be with a million guys. I just don’t see the point. I just want one dude that’s down for me and I’m down for him and we’re together and supportive of one another. No games, tricks, or lies.

Maybe I’m being stupid. I don’t know. I hate that I over think everything. I wish I could be more uninhibited.